It has been a while since I have posted, and my intention is always to write more.  Part of my hesitation is my resistance to "put myself out there", with all the glory and messiness of what it means to be human.  That is part of what I have been challenged with.

To be honest, I do a lot of hiding - STILL.  I thought I had stopped.  I think that because I hide, people won't see how crazy and messy that I am inside.  They do see it, but I am like the 2 year old who plays hide and seek, and if I have my eyes covered, others can't see me either.  I have spent my life putting on a pretty mask, and saying things like "excellent is the only way to be" or "If you aren't excellent, then what are you doing?".  When I would say things like this, it would cheer people up. 

Meanwhile, I buried my anger and "stuff" so deep that I do a lot of things under the table.  If someone told me that it was painful to be around me, I would believe it.  Maybe people are telling me, just not using those words.

My friend DonnaMac last weekend told me "Just remember that we can see it and we still love you". 

Since that weekend, I have been reading a book called "Transforming Anger", published by the HeartMath Institute.  I have been "working" on my anger for a year now, and I can see that I have been pretending to work on it.  This books has helped me see the many ways that I express my anger, frustration, irritation, etc., and how to shift to be heart centered.  I have been keeping a daily journal on all of my conversations, and answering some questions:

-- What was my intention for this conversation?  Did I keep that intention, and how?  How did I not stay in intention, and where did I lose it?

-- Did I become angry, frustrated, "look smart", hide, etc?  What happened?  Did I recognize it and shift out of it?  What happened?

This past week has been eye opening.  I have been more open to others and have been able to shift some conversations and relationships.  I also can see that many of my relationships are shallow - I am reaping what I sow.  I can see that I have only begun and have a long way to go.  I am determined to make changes.

I have also been using the Freeze Framer tool to monitor how well I can center in my heart.  The more I practice this, the easier it is to develop a heart connection with others.

Stay tuned.... Love, Mj