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Transplant Becomes TransformingIt has been a while since I have posted, and my intention is always to write more. Part of my hesitation is my resistance to "put myself out there", with all the glory and messiness of what it means to be human. That is part of what I have been challenged with. To be honest, I do a lot of hiding - STILL. I thought I had stopped. I think that because I hide, people won't see how crazy and messy that I am inside. They do see it, but I am like the 2 year old who plays hide and seek, and if I have my eyes covered, others can't see me either. I have spent my life putting on a pretty mask, and saying things like "excellent is the only way to be" or "If you aren't excellent, then what are you doing?". When I would say things like this, it would cheer people up. Meanwhile, I buried my anger and "stuff" so deep that I do a lot of things under the table. If someone told me that it was painful to be around me, I would believe it. Maybe people are telling me, just not using those words. My friend DonnaMac last weekend told me "Just remember that we can see it and we still love you". Since that weekend, I have been reading a book called "Transforming Anger", published by the HeartMath Institute. I have been "working" on my anger for a year now, and I can see that I have been pretending to work on it. This books has helped me see the many ways that I express my anger, frustration, irritation, etc., and how to shift to be heart centered. I have been keeping a daily journal on all of my conversations, and answering some questions: -- What was my intention for this conversation? Did I keep that intention, and how? How did I not stay in intention, and where did I lose it? -- Did I become angry, frustrated, "look smart", hide, etc? What happened? Did I recognize it and shift out of it? What happened? This past week has been eye opening. I have been more open to others and have been able to shift some conversations and relationships. I also can see that many of my relationships are shallow - I am reaping what I sow. I can see that I have only begun and have a long way to go. I am determined to make changes. I have also been using the Freeze Framer tool to monitor how well I can center in my heart. The more I practice this, the easier it is to develop a heart connection with others. Stay tuned.... Love, Mj The Personality Takes a TransplantEarlier, I remarked that I "reconstructed my personality". And, to some degree I did. We all change and adapt. What was different about this phase was that I felt like I pulled big dumpster to the front of my house, and threw out a lot of crap. Gone. Done. And, these changes are slowly taking up permanent residence in my space here. My relationship with my husband has taken on a whole new depth and it's wonderful. Gone are the subtle games and masks, and I have stopped hiding. I am clearly in residence here, the "me" that has been wanting to get out into the world for a long, long time. I am lighter, I feel like I can breathe a lot easier, and I have a lot more joy and laughter in my life. As Jackie Gleason used to say, "How sweet it is!" (Okay, some of you might not know who he is. I am now officially old.) LOL! Woo hoo! Off to enjoy this beautiful beach weekend! All the best! Love, Me A Tribute to Paul SRecently, a family member passed away. He was 83 years old. His daughter this morning had sent an online photo album with over 400 photos of his life. It took me a long time to meet him. His wife was at family gatherings, but I wouldn't see him. I finally had the pleasure of meeting him at my mother in law's 90th birthday party. I wish I had met him earlier. What struck me the most was his positive attitude. When the gossip was flying, he would always find the most positive and affirming things to say. Even until his last days, he was always upbeat and loving. And his last words were his undying devotion to his wife. Looking through the album this morning, I really saw how much his life centered on his family and the being upbeat. There were a lot of pictures of family gatherings, and also quite a few where he was clowning for the camera. He truly lived a life of joy and loved to laugh. The last time I saw him was Easter Sunday for dinner. He and his wife had moved earlier that week and he wasn't feeling well, but he was laughing and enjoying the day as best he could. It was a shock to hear six weeks later that he was gone. What a special man he was. Paul, you will be missed..... Makes me wonder what our photo albums will look like. What will we leave as our lasting memories to tell the story of our lives? All the best! My visit with a ShamanWhen I returned from my trip, I went to see a
shaman. I shared some of my transformation journey, and in that
moment, I knew that I was "in between" - that uncomfortable place in the
transformation process where you have let go and the future is not clear or
certain. I was in surrender, in a place where I was able to truly let
go of those things from the past few weeks and be open to change. After
our brief chat and a description of what might happen (since everyone's
experience is different), we were ready to start. My job was to "stay
open". Check!
The shaman started his ritual with chants. I could feel a wash of
emotion come over me the first few minutes and it was refreshing and
emotional. I felt like I was remembering, his voice echoed in my
soul. As he continued, I started to feel waves of what felt like
electricity flow through me every few minutes. Every time a different
guide was present, I could feel his/her presence. It was an amazing
feeling, and even today (in this moment, in fact) I can still feel those
waves. I know that each of us has guides that are with us always, and I
could feel their presence that day and ever since. Often I feel their
presence during meditation and during Reiki sessions. I now pause often
during the day to say hello and express my gratitude. Given a choice, I
would much rather have a day with guides than without!
Next - I reconstruct my personality
"Death of the Ego" Part 2I happened to attend a conference with Debbie Ford, who wrote the book "Why Good People Do Bad Things: How to Stop Being Your Own Worst Enemy
 ". My friends - with great intention who knew what I was going through - were coaching me to "just let it go, put down the fight". One of my faults is that I take things seriously (okay, perhaps too much) and really work through things deeply. I tried to let it go, and yet, was having difficulty with it. I wanted to resolve what was going on.What I learned in Debbie's workshop was a path to letting go, which was invaluable. In a nutshell, our ego is there for protection and serves a healthy function. When we use these things inappropriately, to excess, as our first response, etc. - these are the times that we are not served. It's good to sometimes be bitchy or angry, and there are times when it is inappropriate to not be angry. Furthermore, we need to enroll the ego in our lives - a healthy ego has healthy boundaries. Sounds simple, but this is actually part of Mastery of Self.
After this workshop, I spent nearly 2 days by myself - no phones, radios, TV, etc., and I was able to keep digging deeper and deeper into my own ego and self and really explore my landscape. At the end of two days, I was messy and vulnerable. And, I was in a very good place, because for the first time in as long as I could remember, I was in a place of absolute authenticity. I could see myself at my deepest core, in my simplest form. No masks. No shadow. I was empty and full at the same time. In my meditation, I was instructed to learn from everyone - "even homeless people". Everyone had something for me, and my task for the next month was to listen.
I took a trip with my husband and was feeling good, happy (you know, that "vacation space"). While on vacation, I had an encounter with a homeless man that completely inspired me. He was in a car accident and lost his wife, his son, his home, his job, and nearly lost his leg. His goal was to walk to the top of a hill. The day before, he stopped one block early because the pain stopped him. He knew that when he made it to the top of the hill, he had made it back. And, he learned along the way a lot about himself and life. I gave him $20 to get a good meal, and he didn't ask for it or want it. I asked him to keep building his strength so he could pay it forward - others need to be inspired by him, too. He taught me valuable lessons that day about humility, purpose, love, and courage, and I am very grateful.
Next - My Experience With a Shaman
All the best! Love, Me
"Death of the Ego" Part 1I have officially changed the title of my blog that symbolizes and solidifies my true purpose. I have long worked in the field of change, having worked with large scale organizations for many years. My focus is now not on change but rather transformation - one person at a time. Part of that change requires focusing on my own growth as well as assisting and guiding others in their journey.
For many years, I have been working on "my own change", and I will admit, not necessarily with great progress. I was a "change junkie", and it's only until recently that I have truly started to heal and really transform. For years I couldn't see what was right before my eyes in terms of my relationships, my beliefs, my attitudes and my whole way of being. It is sort of like the guy who was looking for his keys under the lamp post when he dropped them by the door. The reason? "The light was better over there." How many times are we looking in places where it is comfortable and within what we think we can "handle", rather than look at what is really required to achieve our dreams and our full purpose?
A few weeks ago, I was having a rather bizarre experience, and one that was so rich in learning. I was attending a weekend personal development seminar. What "came up" for me was seeing the truth of what I do - how I am in relationships, my own belief systems, the way that I look to connect on a superficial level with others, how I do a lot of things to "look good" and "be good", my lack of self reliance (contrary to my firmly held belief). It was as if the caIdron of all my crap was being stirred up all at once. I was able to see it so clearly, so powerfully, in such volume that I went into a tail spin. For two weeks, I was up to all kinds of mischief - thoughts of suicide, deep depression, etc. And, simultaneously, I could also see right through all of it. I had a battle raging within me, and was watching this unfold. On some level, it was surreal. For years, I had been stuffing and hiding this away, and my ego was in full revolt.
Tomorrow - Death of the Ego and the Triumph
All the best! Love, Me
Humility - what's "right" with it?Yesterday, I wrote about working thru Entering the Castle and the topic of humility. I promised that today I would provide my list of 10 positive associations of humility and insights that I learned. Here's my list:
I had a few observations. First, I typed the list as I wrote it in my journal, including punctuation. I noticed that for the positive statements, I had much more detail and I wrote in all small letters versus the other list. I also felt much more "at home" in writing this list, and I could feel and see the past experiences, humiliation and defensiveness coming through in the other list.
I have become friends with a neighbor couple here, and have been conducting Reiki sessions with the wife who has a leg injury from an accident last fall. It was "out of character" for me to ask her if she knew Reiki and if she was interested in me doing Reiki with her. In return, she did a hypno-therapy session with me today. Wow, what an experience! In fact, these have opened up deep spiritual experiences for both of us.
I am full of gratitude and also feel very humble in these sessions, that I am a part of something much bigger. I am everything on this list, and more. I feel alive and full of joy, like I have come home! Woo hoo!
Have a joyful day! ~~ East Coast Living ~~
Humility - what's "wrong" with it?I have been working through Caroline Myss' Entering The Castle book - it's a roadmap to help you connect with your soul. The roadmap is laid out as seven mansions, with multiple rooms in each mansion. Each room has a theme to help you look deeper within.
The first mansion is "The power of prayer, humility, chaos and divine seduction". One of the first themes examines humility versus humiliation, and helps us (helped me) see the many ways that we have been humiliated and therefore, construct our lives to avoid humiliation. Working through these experiences and our limiting beliefs helps us clear out the baggage and open ourselves to seeing many more choices and possibilities. This is a lot like what coaches and therapists work on with their clients. What was different for me is the concept of humiliation - it struck a deeper chord for me and helped me look deeper within to the raw emotion underneath.
Caroline writes that we do not value humility in our cultures, and in fact, easily confuse humility and humiliation. In one of the rooms, we are asked to write 10 positive associations and 10 negative associations of humility. I'll work backwards and start with my list of 10 negative characteristics, messages and beliefs. Tomorrow I'll write the 10 positive and my insights in doing this exercise. It was quite interesting what I learned.
Ten Negative Associations
What does your list look like?
All the best! ~~ East Coast Living ~~
Change is in the air....I happened to open my space and lo and behold, I see the last entry from Istanbul. Not an encouraging note to leave out there for so long.
So what has been up? Many, many things. I am making a slight career change and migrating away from the project consulting to coaching and personal development work. I took on the role of President of a local company, and I have been home since the beginning of March. And, I love it! It has been great to be around, I feel like I am married (and so does my husband). I have given up the world traveling, at least for a while. I am enjoying that I can put down some roots here and get to know the NJ community. Very, very nice.
And, a lot has been going on with me personally. I will (promise) to blog a bit more about this and be more diligent. In many ways, I feel like a new person and at the same time, I feel like I am coming home to myself.
All the best! ~~~ East Coast Living ~~~
Lonely life in Istanbul...Greetings from Istanbul! I am sitting here, in my hotel room, working all day yesterday and today. Thank goodness my friend Piril and went out to dinner last night, it is helping me from going a bit stir crazy here. I haven't even let housekeeping come in the room for the last few days. I guess I sound like I am complaining, which I guess I may be. I figured out that I have had 4 days off and been home 8 days since January. I did this to myself, and I am working to finish some of these commitments. I chat online with my husband often, but while I am on the line I am distracted thinking about the work I need to do. I fear that my friends in NJ will vote me off the island. I have been making (expensive) phone calls via my cell phone to friends and family back home. Today I figured out how to use Yahoo "Phone In" where I can make phone calls to land lines over the Internet. I called a friend in Utah and woke him up (oops).
Okay, this is my price for success, and I want to dedicate some time to figuring out how to work more effectively. I need to schedule that in .... LOL!
Well, it felt good to at least blog and say hello. All the best! ~~~DSF~~~ Today's adventures in Istanbul...I am back in
Istanbul (there wasn't much time in the US this time). I arrived on
Thursday and went straight to the office after 18 hours of travel. I had
my meetings and gathered information so I can finish the first round of
deliverables. Today and tomorrow I am working long days at the hotel to
finish. Lots going on...
I did take a short
break to go for a walk and get some fresh air. It is a gorgeous day
here in Istanbul - sunny and about 78 degrees F. I did manage to get
lost while out on my walk, and asked for directions. It is an interesting
experience to get directions in a language you do not understand.
Basically, I asked a few people along the way until I kept getting closer and
closer. Each one told me to go left then right. How far left
and how far right were not clear. So, I wound up walking a bit longer than
I anticipated, but that was fine with me.
I also went to the
grocery store across the street from the hotel. Everytime I go there,
they ask me for my frequent buyer card (I think). They
understand "pardon", and "no Turkish, English". Sign language goes a
long way. The store is small - about the same square
footage of a hair salon - but it has everything that I need. I
buy a lot of yogurt - it's one of the few things that I can recognize.
Water, soda, crackers, milk (sut). All the important basics.
;-)
I'm going out to
dinner tonight with my friend Piril, to catch up with each other. We actually
met about six years ago when we were both working for different companies.
What a small, small world, and what fun.
All the best!
~~~DSF~~~
Quote of the day‘Come to the edge,’ he said. They said, ‘We are afraid.’ ‘Come to the edge,’ he said. They came. He pushed them … and they flew. —Guillaume Apollinaire
Adventure at the HamamToday, my friend Valerie and I went to a Turkish bath house. It was the main event of the day. We took a cab to Cagaloglu Hamami - it is very near the Grand Bazaar. It was quite the experience! In some ways, I guess it is like the spa experience in America (I have never gone to a spa before - I can't get by the vision of cucumber slices and and a towel wrapped around the head). Well it is, and in some ways, it is not.
We picked our package ("the full treatment") and we walked through to the women's area. We went to a private room where we got into the "native state" and put on a towel. We took the key from the room and walked off to the back, where we entered an area that is all grey marble and quite exquisite. This bath has been in business for over 300 years.
The room itself has about 20-25 women in various stages of getting bathed or sitting around the room and waiting. Every woman is as naked as a jaybird. Well, except for the REALLY self conscious ones that walk in with underwear or a bathing suit on, which they had to remove anyway. Well, that was awkward - LOL! In the center is a large marble surface in the shape of an octagon, where 8 women are getting pampered and bathed.
So I'm sitting there with a coworker, chatting away as if we were sitting in a restaurant or some other place, continually dousing ourselves with warm water and enjoying the atmosphere. I felt a little self conscious the first few minutes, but once we settled in it was quite a liberating feeling. We Americans definitely have a nudity hang up. I was wishing that I had spent a few more sessions on the treadmill, but after a while it was "oh, what the hell" - I let it all go so I could thoroughly enjoy the experience. ;-) I will say that the scrub, the oil massage and the soap wash and massage was FABULOUS - it felt ***great*** to be pampered! I don't allow myself these things beyond the occasional massage, and I think that I am definitely going to change that after today....
It is late here, and I am very relaxed - I am off to a really good night sleep. All the best!
Signed,
Naked as a Jaybird and Lovin' It!
Greetings from Turkey!Yes, once again I am back in Turkey. I will be here once a month until the end of the year. It was great to see my team members again, and I will see more of the team tomorrow.
Monday the 23rd is a national holiday - International Children's Festival. Every year, festivals are organized where school children from Turkey and other countries come together to celebrate as a symbol of peace and encourage inter-faith relations. It was started by the founder of the Turkish Republic Mustafa Kemal Ataturk. I did not see any festivals, but there were large Turkish flags draped many of the tall buildings in and around Istanbul.
For lunch Toygan and I took the train to Levent for lunch (so I learned the train today, too). We ate at one of his favorite kepab places, where we had a fresh salad, an appetizer dish with crushed roasted red pepper and a few other things that I did not recognize (but they tasted very fresh and delicious), and gyro meat on rice. It was quite good. It was also nice to get out into the sunshine, and there were hundreds of people in the square enjoying the sunshine. All in all, it was a nice start to this business trip. Sunday, I spent the afternoon nursing a cold, so it was a nice change of pace.
Tuesday, we go to the client and the fun begins! I am beginning to settle down in this project and the pace of things - it is becoming familar, and that is a nice feeling.
All the best! ~~~DSF~~~
There is a God!In the US, they have
ruled no cell phones on airplanes in flight. At least there is one more
chance for peace and quiet....
All the
best! ~~~DSF~~~
More on the Rhino & Lion park tripA bit more on our trip on Saturday....
One of the "exciting" things that happened while we were playing with the cubs is that I got a "hug" from the lion cub. This lion cub is a year old, about 200 lbs and about the size of a Bull Mastif. We were playing and he decided to grab a hold of my leg and drag me down. He also put his mouth around my waist. Not the kind of place that one wants to be, mind you. The park employee immediately shouted "Stand up! STAND UP!" (easy for her say) and was pulling my arm to stand up. I had to surrender my shoe for a few moments, but everything was fine. Apparently I was not tasty enough ;-) Actually, I was laughing about it, but for about 15 seconds it was a bit frightening. We all were a bit more careful after that.
Earlier, when we were out in the lion area, we drove in and were handed a piece of paper with about 15 rules, including to not roll your windows any lower than 30%, remove loose hubcaps and tire covers, etc. Apparently the lions like to play with the cars. As we were driving around, we spotted some lions in the field, about 100 feet away. We pulled up and I rolled the window down just a bit to put the camera through the opening. Suddenly, two lions came running towards our car - needless to say, I was rolling the window up FAST! I managed to catch a picture of one out the back window, and the other was immediately outside my door. Okay, FREAKED ME OUT a bit. More laughter ... the guys were definitely with a woose that day.
I definitely came out in one piece and definitely a day that I will remember the rest of my life. Of course, the lions will get bigger every time I tell the tale...
By the way, the second set of photos are from Burkan - he was using a Nikon digital with a great telephoto lens - he is an excellent photographer and got some incredible shots.... Enjoy!
All the best! ~~~DSF~~~
A day at the South Africa National ParkYes, I am back in South Africa again, enjoying this wonderful country. I am here for 10 days, including a weekend this time. We are finishing up this project, and from what I am hearing, there will not be another phase of work. So, we will finish and present our recommendations and say goodbye. Some of the consultants have been here over 2 months, and leaving is bittersweet for them. The team here is fantastic and a lot of fun. It is interesting because it is like working with the United Nations - there are consultants from the UK, Turkey, and Tunisia.
It is Sunday morning, and I am sitting in my room overlooking the garden and the hills in the distance. I enclosed a picture in the updated photo album. It is the same B&B as last time - Bohemian House in Pretoria. It is a peaceful morning every day - long before the sun rises, the birds start their lovely songs and keep it up through the morning. I am sitting here with no TV, no radio, no music. It reminds me of mornings in my childhood, waking to the sounds of chirping birds. I am suddenly struck by how many mornings I awake in hotels the middle of a city, with incessant traffic noise. I usually drown it out with a morning news program. Wow - how easy it is to get away from the sweet melodies of nature....
Yesterday, Patrick, Burkan and I went to the Rhino and Lion Park and spent about 1/2 day there. We had a fantastic time! The highlight was playing with the tiger cubs and the lion cubs. We paid 60 Rand (about $9) for what was supposed to be 5 min, but we spent about an hour with them. We also got up close (within a few feet) of a variety of animals - full grown lions, cheetahs, zebras, and tigers. We also saw rhinos, ostrich, wild dogs, antelope, shetland ponies and more. I have some pictures in my album and will include more when Burkan shares his pictures with me. He had a digital camera with a 500m lens and got some great photos.
Later, we went to the mall and ate at a restaurant called Boabob - there are so many excellent restaurants here, and the food is cheap. A full meal (2 beer/wine, appetizer, full course dinner and coffee) runs about 140 Rand - which divided by 7, is about $20.
The evening was spent sitting around with Patrick, Sami, Marcat and Tulay, just chatting about everything and nothing, listening to music and keeping up with the latest soccer / futbol scores. Last I heard, Turkey was losing to Greece 0-1. They are so nutty about futbol.... I have to start learning some of the international teams so I can keep up.
Anyway, it is about 8 am and time for breakfast. We will be working today and the rest of the week, but I will update more pictures and on our adventures at the park as well as life here in SA.
All the best! ~~~DSF~~~ Coaching at 40,000 feetI am back, safe and sound from my travels, and off to DC all next week. I got a full night's sleep last night - I feel GREAT! I am thrilled to be home with my husband, and we have family visiting this weekend. Ah, getting back in touch with my life. How sweet it is.
Yesterday, on the flight home, I had an interesting conversation with my seat mate. We were sharing information about our lives, our hopes and dreams. He and his wife both work in financial services. He is the equivalent of a stock broker in Turkey, and his wife works in Turkey's version of the SEC. He was talking about how he wanted to have the financial freedom to leave the big city, move to a small village on the coast and teach sailing. He kept saying that he needed $300,000 to do that. Through our conversation, I pointed out that he and his wife have an incredible opportunity - they know more about investing and finances than 99.999% of the population of the world. If they can't figure out how to create an investment and savings plan to get to $300K, who could? Basically, I was suggesting that they apply the knowledge of what they do for their companies and others to their own lives. I described how my husband and I did that, and on 3 pages.
We exchanged business cards, and on mine I wrote: 300,000.
I probably will never know if they reach their goal or not, but I wish them....
All the best!
Love ~~~DSF~~~ Last night in IstanbulGreetings! It is my last night here in Turkey. Intense day today - had a meeting with some of the CEOs of this company, and it consumed the entire day preparing. This, of course, is preparing for the meeting next week with all the CEOs.... and, a friend who I met here found out that her boyfriend has the big CA. Ouch. Tried to be a good friend and listen today.
I only get about 3 hours of solid sleep at night, then awake about 2 am and snooze on and off. I met a gent named Jerry who has been here for four weeks, and still does the same thing. Ha! Okay, it's not just me.
Oh, for the sweet slumber of my own bed.... LOL!
All the best! ~~~DSF~~~ Another long day in Turkey....More observations on life here in Turkey.....
A new consulting team from the UK has started here at this company in the last week or so. It is a bit of a culture shock for me. The names on the cubes are names like "John", "Elizabeth" and "James". I have grown used to names like Mehmet, Kaan, Derya, Banu and Ozan. It's a weird "backwards" culture shock...
Also in Turkey, I found out that employee lunch with transporation is expected - an employee benefit. Today's meal was bean soup, rice, salad and candied yams. It's a one size fits all, but hey, it's free. Ironically, it is the same meal I had last time I was here.
Big meeting with some execs tomorrow to present our work from the last 10 weeks. It has been a hectic ride on this one. Large company - not the largest by any means that I have worked with - but it is an interesting culture of conformity. My job is to get into the minds of the people who choose to live in this conformity, why, what motivates them to be here, to stay here, and what would motivate them to change.
Well, I have to get going to the restaurant downstairs before it closes - it's 9:30 pm here. Good night....
All the best! ~~~DSF~~~
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