Marijo 的个人资料Personal Transformation照片日志列表更多  |  工具 帮助 |
Personal Transformation
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Transplant Becomes TransformingIt has been a while since I have posted, and my intention is always to write more. Part of my hesitation is my resistance to "put myself out there", with all the glory and messiness of what it means to be human. That is part of what I have been challenged with. To be honest, I do a lot of hiding - STILL. I thought I had stopped. I think that because I hide, people won't see how crazy and messy that I am inside. They do see it, but I am like the 2 year old who plays hide and seek, and if I have my eyes covered, others can't see me either. I have spent my life putting on a pretty mask, and saying things like "excellent is the only way to be" or "If you aren't excellent, then what are you doing?". When I would say things like this, it would cheer people up. Meanwhile, I buried my anger and "stuff" so deep that I do a lot of things under the table. If someone told me that it was painful to be around me, I would believe it. Maybe people are telling me, just not using those words. My friend DonnaMac last weekend told me "Just remember that we can see it and we still love you". Since that weekend, I have been reading a book called "Transforming Anger", published by the HeartMath Institute. I have been "working" on my anger for a year now, and I can see that I have been pretending to work on it. This books has helped me see the many ways that I express my anger, frustration, irritation, etc., and how to shift to be heart centered. I have been keeping a daily journal on all of my conversations, and answering some questions: -- What was my intention for this conversation? Did I keep that intention, and how? How did I not stay in intention, and where did I lose it? -- Did I become angry, frustrated, "look smart", hide, etc? What happened? Did I recognize it and shift out of it? What happened? This past week has been eye opening. I have been more open to others and have been able to shift some conversations and relationships. I also can see that many of my relationships are shallow - I am reaping what I sow. I can see that I have only begun and have a long way to go. I am determined to make changes. I have also been using the Freeze Framer tool to monitor how well I can center in my heart. The more I practice this, the easier it is to develop a heart connection with others. Stay tuned.... Love, Mj The Personality Takes a TransplantEarlier, I remarked that I "reconstructed my personality". And, to some degree I did. We all change and adapt. What was different about this phase was that I felt like I pulled big dumpster to the front of my house, and threw out a lot of crap. Gone. Done. And, these changes are slowly taking up permanent residence in my space here. My relationship with my husband has taken on a whole new depth and it's wonderful. Gone are the subtle games and masks, and I have stopped hiding. I am clearly in residence here, the "me" that has been wanting to get out into the world for a long, long time. I am lighter, I feel like I can breathe a lot easier, and I have a lot more joy and laughter in my life. As Jackie Gleason used to say, "How sweet it is!" (Okay, some of you might not know who he is. I am now officially old.) LOL! Woo hoo! Off to enjoy this beautiful beach weekend! All the best! Love, Me A Tribute to Paul SRecently, a family member passed away. He was 83 years old. His daughter this morning had sent an online photo album with over 400 photos of his life. It took me a long time to meet him. His wife was at family gatherings, but I wouldn't see him. I finally had the pleasure of meeting him at my mother in law's 90th birthday party. I wish I had met him earlier. What struck me the most was his positive attitude. When the gossip was flying, he would always find the most positive and affirming things to say. Even until his last days, he was always upbeat and loving. And his last words were his undying devotion to his wife. Looking through the album this morning, I really saw how much his life centered on his family and the being upbeat. There were a lot of pictures of family gatherings, and also quite a few where he was clowning for the camera. He truly lived a life of joy and loved to laugh. The last time I saw him was Easter Sunday for dinner. He and his wife had moved earlier that week and he wasn't feeling well, but he was laughing and enjoying the day as best he could. It was a shock to hear six weeks later that he was gone. What a special man he was. Paul, you will be missed..... Makes me wonder what our photo albums will look like. What will we leave as our lasting memories to tell the story of our lives? All the best! My visit with a ShamanWhen I returned from my trip, I went to see a
shaman. I shared some of my transformation journey, and in that
moment, I knew that I was "in between" - that uncomfortable place in the
transformation process where you have let go and the future is not clear or
certain. I was in surrender, in a place where I was able to truly let
go of those things from the past few weeks and be open to change. After
our brief chat and a description of what might happen (since everyone's
experience is different), we were ready to start. My job was to "stay
open". Check!
The shaman started his ritual with chants. I could feel a wash of
emotion come over me the first few minutes and it was refreshing and
emotional. I felt like I was remembering, his voice echoed in my
soul. As he continued, I started to feel waves of what felt like
electricity flow through me every few minutes. Every time a different
guide was present, I could feel his/her presence. It was an amazing
feeling, and even today (in this moment, in fact) I can still feel those
waves. I know that each of us has guides that are with us always, and I
could feel their presence that day and ever since. Often I feel their
presence during meditation and during Reiki sessions. I now pause often
during the day to say hello and express my gratitude. Given a choice, I
would much rather have a day with guides than without!
Next - I reconstruct my personality
"Death of the Ego" Part 2I happened to attend a conference with Debbie Ford, who wrote the book "Why Good People Do Bad Things: How to Stop Being Your Own Worst Enemy
 ". My friends - with great intention who knew what I was going through - were coaching me to "just let it go, put down the fight". One of my faults is that I take things seriously (okay, perhaps too much) and really work through things deeply. I tried to let it go, and yet, was having difficulty with it. I wanted to resolve what was going on.What I learned in Debbie's workshop was a path to letting go, which was invaluable. In a nutshell, our ego is there for protection and serves a healthy function. When we use these things inappropriately, to excess, as our first response, etc. - these are the times that we are not served. It's good to sometimes be bitchy or angry, and there are times when it is inappropriate to not be angry. Furthermore, we need to enroll the ego in our lives - a healthy ego has healthy boundaries. Sounds simple, but this is actually part of Mastery of Self.
After this workshop, I spent nearly 2 days by myself - no phones, radios, TV, etc., and I was able to keep digging deeper and deeper into my own ego and self and really explore my landscape. At the end of two days, I was messy and vulnerable. And, I was in a very good place, because for the first time in as long as I could remember, I was in a place of absolute authenticity. I could see myself at my deepest core, in my simplest form. No masks. No shadow. I was empty and full at the same time. In my meditation, I was instructed to learn from everyone - "even homeless people". Everyone had something for me, and my task for the next month was to listen.
I took a trip with my husband and was feeling good, happy (you know, that "vacation space"). While on vacation, I had an encounter with a homeless man that completely inspired me. He was in a car accident and lost his wife, his son, his home, his job, and nearly lost his leg. His goal was to walk to the top of a hill. The day before, he stopped one block early because the pain stopped him. He knew that when he made it to the top of the hill, he had made it back. And, he learned along the way a lot about himself and life. I gave him $20 to get a good meal, and he didn't ask for it or want it. I asked him to keep building his strength so he could pay it forward - others need to be inspired by him, too. He taught me valuable lessons that day about humility, purpose, love, and courage, and I am very grateful.
Next - My Experience With a Shaman
All the best! Love, Me
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